Lori Kisses and Bath Time.

Ah, I love the smell of freshly washed baby in the morning.... err afternoon. :)

Her hair is so curly!

And her footsie outfit is CUTE!

She ate, napped, bathed, stayed up and played with her carseat hanging toys, napped, pooped, ate, and is napping again. I'm putting up laundry and emailing Josh back and forth. Sweet nothings.

I'm so in love!

Thank you!

Thank you Gramma Kathy for staying up with me tonight and keeping her not crying.

T.T I'm about to cut my hair off

I am not a psycho.

I am not a bad person.

I am not a terrible mother.

It's just post partum making me want to drop her on the floor.

Great Auntie Nettie

Lori's Great Aunt Annette came over this morning, and I got to sleep for 4 uninterrupted hours. It was heaven! And a shower! I took a shower, and ate. -siiiiiiiiigh-

Got some good breast-feeding advice, and tips for handling a Colic Baby.

Here's to experience!

Alligator Tears & Umbilical Cords

This week, Lori starting crying with tears. Kathy says they are alligator tears, to which Josh clarified by stating that they weren't attached to any emotion. They were just her tear ducts kicking into gear and making tears. But still. Seeing those tiny little water droplets leak from the corners of her eyes while she's screaming in hunger is heart wrenching.

And finally, as of today, my baby is now cord-free.

It fell off this afternoon.

No, I didn't save the cord. It looked nasty.

And that's all the new excitement.

Oh, that and Josh's Dad coming to visit for a few hours...

...and her heart's now the right size for her body...

...and I made over 5oz in one sitting...

...and I think I gave her colic by eating some pizza.

Oh! She's out grown some clothes. I think I'll have to take some time on Sunday afternoon to resort her clothes.

Dinner time

"Hey there, Lorikins! Look what Mommy made you! A nice yummy bottle of fresh-squeezed Mommy Juice!"

Okay, that sounded disturbing! LOL!

Insert Earth Shaking Scream Here

OMG.

I finally just put her in her crib, awake, and am letting her fend for herself, instead of trying to keep her awake and entertained. I'm fucking tired as hell, and she just refuses to not cry! I cradle her, she's happy for a few mnutes, then she cries. I put her on my shoulder, she passes out so I lay her down, she wakes up and cries. I tuck her in, she wakes up and looks at me with puppy dog eyes. I bounce her gently, she cries. I sing to her, she cries. I play video games for her to look at, she cries. I put on good music, she cries.

I give up. She can lay in her crib and get ignored while I fucking get some sleep, goddammit.

1/23/08 1306: Okay, I feel better. I actually couldn't stand the sound of her crying. Broke my heart, so I took her to bed, laid her on a pillow next to me and let her snuggle. We fell asleep together, and I feel more awake and less ready to kill someone.

Pics by Chris

Chris, the photographer, has his pics up on Defend America, a newsletter website about the troops on the front lines in the global war on terror.

I really like this one.

Poker face, Ceci and CJ!

I ante in with Video of Newborn 'smiling' in Sleep.

You're invited!

To our daughter's first dance pick-up / sword polishing / gun-cleaning party.

When: 12 - 13 years from now
Where: Our place.
Time: 7ish? Depends on when Date's parents pick her up.
Reason: Cause we have to scare the crap outta him.

SQUEE!!!!!!

Curls! She has CURLS!!! I gave her a bath (diaper came a touch loose and she peed on herself), and I decided I was going to wash her hair this time, with shampoo! So I did, and after I toweled it dry, it was CURLY!!!

for mandy

Here you go Mandy, bigger and easier to see. :)

Moo!

Milk's in. I just made a 5oz bottle. Go me!

:)

1/21/08 1405 CDT : Another 5 oz bottle. I'm getting good at this. ^.^

ATTN: PISTOL KITTEN

I need help fixing my Yahoo! ID on STR's Yahoo Group so I can post and stuff. Can you point me at a moderator and/or have one call me so I can walk them through how to change my email address for the group?

Thanks!

CORRECTION: I figured it out! I'm good now! :)

Things that make you go, hmmm..... o.O .oO( ~ )

Lori woke me up at 5:30am for her breakfast, and while I was in the kitchen heating up her formula (cause I didn't have enough of my milk stored up for her, and I didn't want her to cry-cry and wake Josh up), I happened to catch the morning show on Kathy's radio station 96.9FM

I'd heard it a few times. It's a preaching talk show, like a radio-cast of a sermon by various guest pastors. Normally, I tune it out, or I've got Lori in my arms, or I'm otherwise preoccupied and so don't listen. But this morning, Lori wasn't screaming yet, so I was taking the time while she was calm to get her breakfast ready so when she did start to fuss for food, I'd have it ready. Well, divine providence took hold, for the sermon today was about Honoring Thy Mother and Father. It was a subject I had thought about shortly after Lori was born. I was holding her, watching her sleep, when suddenly I started shaking.

"I'm so afraid I'm going to let you down, Baby. I want you to be proud of me. Like I'm proud of my mommy." And it hit me. I hadn't ever told my mother that I was proud of how she raised me. Sure, there are things that, looking back, I wish she might have done differently (ie, making me finish everything on my plate; I'm a chub-kins and I'm sure it's cause I over eat), but overall I'm proud of her. Alone, without Dad by her side, I'm not a terrible person. I'm not perfect, but I'm me. Looking at Lori, and wanting desperately to be worthy of the love and comfort I can see written on her sleeping face, I suddenly understood how Mom must feel sometimes. After that moment, I put it out of mind, other than to work to be more and more respectful of Mommy. Then, this morning, with that sermon, the thoughts resurface, and when Lori's fed and put down, I return to the kitchen to sterilize and eat breakfast myself so I'd have the energy to express some more milk for storage. The sermon, had my captivated, and I stood in the kitchen, leaning on the counter by the radio, eating and listening intently.

When it was over, I went to my online bible and researched the story that the sermon came from, so that I could read it and interpret it myself, recalling what that radio-pastor had said about it.

The story is that of King David and his son, Absalom, found in 2 Samuel, Chapters 13 -19.

13:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.

13:2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her.

13:3 But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man.

13:4 And he said unto him, Why art thou, being the king's son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.

13:5 And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.

13:6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.

13:7 Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon's house, and dress him meat.

13:8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes.

13:9 And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him.

13:10 And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.

13:11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.

13:12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.

13:13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.

13:14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

13:15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.

13:16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her.

13:17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.

13:18 And she had a garment of divers colors upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her.

13:19 And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colors that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.

13:20 And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house.

13:21 But when king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth.

13:22 And Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.

13:23 And it came to pass after two full years, that Absalom had sheepshearers in Baalhazor, which is beside Ephraim: and Absalom invited all the king's sons.

13:24 And Absalom came to the king, and said, Behold now, thy servant hath sheepshearers; let the king, I beseech thee, and his servants go with thy servant.

13:25 And the king said to Absalom, Nay, my son, let us not all now go, lest we be chargeable unto thee. And he pressed him: howbeit he would not go, but blessed him.

13:26 Then said Absalom, If not, I pray thee, let my brother Amnon go with us. And the king said unto him, Why should he go with thee?

13:27 But Absalom pressed him, that he let Amnon and all the king's sons go with him.

13:28 Now Absalom had commanded his servants, saying, Mark ye now when Amnon's heart is merry with wine, and when I say unto you, Smite Amnon; then kill him, fear not: have not I commanded you? be courageous, and be valiant.

13:29 And the servants of Absalom did unto Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king's sons arose, and every man gat him up upon his mule, and fled.

13:30 And it came to pass, while they were in the way, that tidings came to David, saying, Absalom hath slain all the king's sons, and there is not one of them left.

13:31 Then the king arose, and tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent.

13:32 And Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother, answered and said, Let not my lord suppose that they have slain all the young men the king's sons; for Amnon only is dead: for by the appointment of Absalom this hath been determined from the day that he forced his sister Tamar.

13:33 Now therefore let not my lord the king take the thing to his heart, to think that all the king's sons are dead: for Amnon only is dead.

13:34 But Absalom fled. And the young man that kept the watch lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came much people by the way of the hill side behind him.

13:35 And Jonadab said unto the king, Behold, the king's sons come: as thy servant said, so it is.

13:36 And it came to pass, as soon as he had made an end of speaking, that, behold, the king's sons came, and lifted up their voice and wept: and the king also and all his servants wept very sore.

13:37 But Absalom fled, and went to Talmai, the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son every day.

13:38 So Absalom fled, and went to Geshur, and was there three years.

13:39 And the soul of king David longed to go forth unto Absalom: for he was comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he was dead.

14:1 Now Joab the son of Zeruiah perceived that the king's heart was toward Absalom.

14:2 And Joab sent to Tekoah, and fetched thence a wise woman, and said unto her, I pray thee, feign thyself to be a mourner, and put on now mourning apparel, and anoint not thyself with oil, but be as a woman that had a long time mourned for the dead:

14:3 And come to the king, and speak on this manner unto him. So Joab put the words in her mouth.

14:4 And when the woman of Tekoah spake to the king, she fell on her face to the ground, and did obeisance, and said, Help, O king.

14:5 And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, I am indeed a widow woman, and mine husband is dead.

14:6 And thy handmaid had two sons, and they two strove together in the field, and there was none to part them, but the one smote the other, and slew him.

14:7 And, behold, the whole family is risen against thine handmaid, and they said, Deliver him that smote his brother, that we may kill him, for the life of his brother whom he slew; and we will destroy the heir also: and so they shall quench my coal which is left, and shall not leave to my husband neither name nor remainder upon the earth.

14:8 And the king said unto the woman, Go to thine house, and I will give charge concerning thee.

14:9 And the woman of Tekoah said unto the king, My lord, O king, the iniquity be on me, and on my father's house: and the king and his throne be guiltless.

14:10 And the king said, Whoever saith ought unto thee, bring him to me, and he shall not touch thee any more.

14:11 Then said she, I pray thee, let the king remember the LORD thy God, that thou wouldest not suffer the revengers of blood to destroy any more, lest they destroy my son. And he said, As the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of thy son fall to the earth.

14:12 Then the woman said, Let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak one word unto my lord the king. And he said, Say on.

14:13 And the woman said, Wherefore then hast thou thought such a thing against the people of God? for the king doth speak this thing as one which is faulty, in that the king doth not fetch home again his banished.

14:14 For we must needs die, and are as water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again; neither doth God respect any person: yet doth he devise means, that his banished be not expelled from him.

14:15 Now therefore that I am come to speak of this thing unto my lord the king, it is because the people have made me afraid: and thy handmaid said, I will now speak unto the king; it may be that the king will perform the request of his handmaid.

14:16 For the king will hear, to deliver his handmaid out of the hand of the man that would destroy me and my son together out of the inheritance of God.

14:17 Then thine handmaid said, The word of my lord the king shall now be comfortable: for as an angel of God, so is my lord the king to discern good and bad: therefore the LORD thy God will be with thee.

14:18 Then the king answered and said unto the woman, Hide not from me, I pray thee, the thing that I shall ask thee. And the woman said, Let my lord the king now speak.

14:19 And the king said, Is not the hand of Joab with thee in all this? And the woman answered and said, As thy soul liveth, my lord the king, none can turn to the right hand or to the left from ought that my lord the king hath spoken: for thy servant Joab, he bade me, and he put all these words in the mouth of thine handmaid:

14:20 To fetch about this form of speech hath thy servant Joab done this thing: and my lord is wise, according to the wisdom of an angel of God, to know all things that are in the earth.

14:21 And the king said unto Joab, Behold now, I have done this thing: go therefore, bring the young man Absalom again.

14:22 And Joab fell to the ground on his face, and bowed himself, and thanked the king: and Joab said, To day thy servant knoweth that I have found grace in thy sight, my lord, O king, in that the king hath fulfilled the request of his servant.

14:23 So Joab arose and went to Geshur, and brought Absalom to Jerusalem.

14:24 And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king's face.

14:25 But in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him.

14:26 And when he polled his head, (for it was at every year's end that he polled it: because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight.

14:27 And unto Absalom there were born three sons, and one daughter, whose name was Tamar: she was a woman of a fair countenance.

14:28 So Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king's face.

14:29 Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, to have sent him to the king; but he would not come to him: and when he sent again the second time, he would not come.

14:30 Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab's field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom's servants set the field on fire.

14:31 Then Joab arose, and came to Absalom unto his house, and said unto him, Wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire?

14:32 And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king's face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me.

14:33 So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom.

15:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom prepared him chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him.

15:2 And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city art thou? And he said, Thy servant is of one of the tribes of Israel.

15:3 And Absalom said unto him, See, thy matters are good and right; but there is no man deputed of the king to hear thee.

15:4 Absalom said moreover, Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice!

15:5 And it was so, that when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him.

15:6 And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.

15:7 And it came to pass after forty years, that Absalom said unto the king, I pray thee, let me go and pay my vow, which I have vowed unto the LORD, in Hebron.

15:8 For thy servant vowed a vow while I abode at Geshur in Syria, saying, If the LORD shall bring me again indeed to Jerusalem, then I will serve the LORD.

15:9 And the king said unto him, Go in peace. So he arose, and went to Hebron.

15:10 But Absalom sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, As soon as ye hear the sound of the trumpet, then ye shall say, Absalom reigneth in Hebron.

15:11 And with Absalom went two hundred men out of Jerusalem, that were called; and they went in their simplicity, and they knew not any thing.

15:12 And Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's counselor, from his city, even from Giloh, while he offered sacrifices. And the conspiracy was strong; for the people increased continually with Absalom.

15:13 And there came a messenger to David, saying, The hearts of the men of Israel are after Absalom.

15:14 And David said unto all his servants that were with him at Jerusalem, Arise, and let us flee; for we shall not else escape from Absalom: make speed to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly, and bring evil upon us, and smite the city with the edge of the sword.

15:15 And the king's servants said unto the king, Behold, thy servants are ready to do whatsoever my lord the king shall appoint.

15:16 And the king went forth, and all his household after him. And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house.

15:17 And the king went forth, and all the people after him, and tarried in a place that was far off.

15:18 And all his servants passed on beside him; and all the Cherethites, and all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites, six hundred men which came after him from Gath, passed on before the king.

15:19 Then said the king to Ittai the Gittite, Wherefore goest thou also with us? return to thy place, and abide with the king: for thou art a stranger, and also an exile.

15:20 Whereas thou camest but yesterday, should I this day make thee go up and down with us? seeing I go whither I may, return thou, and take back thy brethren: mercy and truth be with thee.

15:21 And Ittai answered the king, and said, As the LORD liveth, and as my lord the king liveth, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will thy servant be.

15:22 And David said to Ittai, Go and pass over. And Ittai the Gittite passed over, and all his men, and all the little ones that were with him.

15:23 And all the country wept with a loud voice, and all the people passed over: the king also himself passed over the brook Kidron, and all the people passed over, toward the way of the wilderness.

15:24 And lo Zadok also, and all the Levites were with him, bearing the ark of the covenant of God: and they set down the ark of God; and Abiathar went up, until all the people had done passing out of the city.

15:25 And the king said unto Zadok, Carry back the ark of God into the city: if I shall find favor in the eyes of the LORD, he will bring me again, and show me both it, and his habitation:

15:26 But if he thus say, I have no delight in thee; behold, here am I, let him do to me as seemeth good unto him.

15:27 The king said also unto Zadok the priest, Art not thou a seer? return into the city in peace, and your two sons with you, Ahimaaz thy son, and Jonathan the son of Abiathar.

15:28 See, I will tarry in the plain of the wilderness, until there come word from you to certify me.

15:29 Zadok therefore and Abiathar carried the ark of God again to Jerusalem: and they tarried there.

15:30 And David went up by the ascent of mount Olivet, and wept as he went up, and had his head covered, and he went barefoot: and all the people that was with him covered every man his head, and they went up, weeping as they went up.

15:31 And one told David, saying, Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom. And David said, O LORD, I pray thee, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness.

15:32 And it came to pass, that when David was come to the top of the mount, where he worshipped God, behold, Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat rent, and earth upon his head:

15:33 Unto whom David said, If thou passest on with me, then thou shalt be a burden unto me:

15:34 But if thou return to the city, and say unto Absalom, I will be thy servant, O king; as I have been thy father's servant hitherto, so will I now also be thy servant: then mayest thou for me defeat the counsel of Ahithophel.

15:35 And hast thou not there with thee Zadok and Abiathar the priests? therefore it shall be, that what thing soever thou shalt hear out of the king's house, thou shalt tell it to Zadok and Abiathar the priests.

15:36 Behold, they have there with them their two sons, Ahimaaz Zadok's son, and Jonathan Abiathar's son; and by them ye shall send unto me every thing that ye can hear.

15:37 So Hushai David's friend came into the city, and Absalom came into Jerusalem.

16:1 And when David was a little past the top of the hill, behold, Ziba the servant of Mephibosheth met him, with a couple of asses saddled, and upon them two hundred loaves of bread, and an hundred bunches of raisins, and an hundred of summer fruits, and a bottle of wine.

16:2 And the king said unto Ziba, What meanest thou by these? And Ziba said, The asses be for the king's household to ride on; and the bread and summer fruit for the young men to eat; and the wine, that such as be faint in the wilderness may drink.

16:3 And the king said, And where is thy master's son? And Ziba said unto the king, Behold, he abideth at Jerusalem: for he said, To day shall the house of Israel restore me the kingdom of my father.

16:4 Then said the king to Ziba, Behold, thine are all that pertained unto Mephibosheth. And Ziba said, I humbly beseech thee that I may find grace in thy sight, my lord, O king.

16:5 And when king David came to Bahurim, behold, thence came out a man of the family of the house of Saul, whose name was Shimei, the son of Gera: he came forth, and cursed still as he came.

16:6 And he cast stones at David, and at all the servants of king David: and all the people and all the mighty men were on his right hand and on his left.

16:7 And thus said Shimei when he cursed, Come out, come out, thou bloody man, and thou man of Belial:

16:8 The LORD hath returned upon thee all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead thou hast reigned; and the LORD hath delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom thy son: and, behold, thou art taken in thy mischief, because thou art a bloody man.

16:9 Then said Abishai the son of Zeruiah unto the king, Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? let me go over, I pray thee, and take off his head.

16:10 And the king said, What have I to do with you, ye sons of Zeruiah? so let him curse, because the LORD hath said unto him, Curse David. Who shall then say, Wherefore hast thou done so?

16:11 And David said to Abishai, and to all his servants, Behold, my son, which came forth of my bowels, seeketh my life: how much more now may this Benjamite do it? let him alone, and let him curse; for the LORD hath bidden him.

16:12 It may be that the LORD will look on mine affliction, and that the LORD will requite me good for his cursing this day.

16:13 And as David and his men went by the way, Shimei went along on the hill's side over against him, and cursed as he went, and threw stones at him, and cast dust.

16:14 And the king, and all the people that were with him, came weary, and refreshed themselves there.

16:15 And Absalom, and all the people the men of Israel, came to Jerusalem, and Ahithophel with him.

16:16 And it came to pass, when Hushai the Archite, David's friend, was come unto Absalom, that Hushai said unto Absalom, God save the king, God save the king.

16:17 And Absalom said to Hushai, Is this thy kindness to thy friend? why wentest thou not with thy friend?

16:18 And Hushai said unto Absalom, Nay; but whom the LORD, and this people, and all the men of Israel, choose, his will I be, and with him will I abide.

16:19 And again, whom should I serve? should I not serve in the presence of his son? as I have served in thy father's presence, so will I be in thy presence.

16:20 Then said Absalom to Ahithophel, Give counsel among you what we shall do.

16:21 And Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house; and all Israel shall hear that thou art abhorred of thy father: then shall the hands of all that are with thee be strong.

16:22 So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel.

16:23 And the counsel of Ahithophel, which he counseled in those days, was as if a man had inquired at the oracle of God: so was all the counsel of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom.

17:1 Moreover Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Let me now choose out twelve thousand men, and I will arise and pursue after David this night:

17:2 And I will come upon him while he is weary and weak handed, and will make him afraid: and all the people that are with him shall flee; and I will smite the king only:

17:3 And I will bring back all the people unto thee: the man whom thou seekest is as if all returned: so all the people shall be in peace.

17:4 And the saying pleased Absalom well, and all the elders of Israel.

17:5 Then said Absalom, Call now Hushai the Archite also, and let us hear likewise what he saith.

17:6 And when Hushai was come to Absalom, Absalom spake unto him, saying, Ahithophel hath spoken after this manner: shall we do after his saying? if not; speak thou.

17:7 And Hushai said unto Absalom, The counsel that Ahithophel hath given is not good at this time.

17:8 For, said Hushai, thou knowest thy father and his men, that they be mighty men, and they be chafed in their minds, as a bear robbed of her whelps in the field: and thy father is a man of war, and will not lodge with the people.

17:9 Behold, he is hid now in some pit, or in some other place: and it will come to pass, when some of them be overthrown at the first, that whosoever heareth it will say, There is a slaughter among the people that follow Absalom.

17:10 And he also that is valiant, whose heart is as the heart of a lion, shall utterly melt: for all Israel knoweth that thy father is a mighty man, and they which be with him are valiant men.

17:11 Therefore I counsel that all Israel be generally gathered unto thee, from Dan even to Beersheba, as the sand that is by the sea for multitude; and that thou go to battle in thine own person.

17:12 So shall we come upon him in some place where he shall be found, and we will light upon him as the dew falleth on the ground: and of him and of all the men that are with him there shall not be left so much as one.

17:13 Moreover, if he be gotten into a city, then shall all Israel bring ropes to that city, and we will draw it into the river, until there be not one small stone found there.

17:14 And Absalom and all the men of Israel said, The counsel of Hushai the Archite is better than the counsel of Ahithophel. For the LORD had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the LORD might bring evil upon Absalom.

17:15 Then said Hushai unto Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, Thus and thus did Ahithophel counsel Absalom and the elders of Israel; and thus and thus have I counseled.

17:16 Now therefore send quickly, and tell David, saying, Lodge not this night in the plains of the wilderness, but speedily pass over; lest the king be swallowed up, and all the people that are with him.

17:17 Now Jonathan and Ahimaaz stayed by Enrogel; for they might not be seen to come into the city: and a wench went and told them; and they went and told king David.

17:18 Nevertheless a lad saw them, and told Absalom: but they went both of them away quickly, and came to a man's house in Bahurim, which had a well in his court; whither they went down.

17:19 And the woman took and spread a covering over the well's mouth, and spread ground corn thereon; and the thing was not known.

17:20 And when Absalom's servants came to the woman to the house, they said, Where is Ahimaaz and Jonathan? And the woman said unto them, They be gone over the brook of water. And when they had sought and could not find them, they returned to Jerusalem.

17:21 And it came to pass, after they were departed, that they came up out of the well, and went and told king David, and said unto David, Arise, and pass quickly over the water: for thus hath Ahithophel counseled against you.

17:22 Then David arose, and all the people that were with him, and they passed over Jordan: by the morning light there lacked not one of them that was not gone over Jordan.

17:23 And when Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his ass, and arose, and gat him home to his house, to his city, and put his household in order, and hanged himself, and died, and was buried in the sepulchre of his father.

17:24 Then David came to Mahanaim. And Absalom passed over Jordan, he and all the men of Israel with him.

17:25 And Absalom made Amasa captain of the host instead of Joab: which Amasa was a man's son, whose name was Ithra an Israelite, that went in to Abigail the daughter of Nahash, sister to Zeruiah Joab's mother.

17:26 So Israel and Absalom pitched in the land of Gilead.

17:27 And it came to pass, when David was come to Mahanaim, that Shobi the son of Nahash of Rabbah of the children of Ammon, and Machir the son of Ammiel of Lodebar, and Barzillai the Gileadite of Rogelim,

17:28 Brought beds, and basins, and earthen vessels, and wheat, and barley, and flour, and parched corn, and beans, and lentils, and parched pulse,

17:29 And honey, and butter, and sheep, and cheese of kine, for David, and for the people that were with him, to eat: for they said, The people is hungry, and weary, and thirsty, in the wilderness.

18:1 And David numbered the people that were with him, and set captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds over them.

18:2 And David sent forth a third part of the people under the hand of Joab, and a third part under the hand of Abishai the son of Zeruiah, Joab's brother, and a third part under the hand of Ittai the Gittite. And the king said unto the people, I will surely go forth with you myself also.

18:3 But the people answered, Thou shalt not go forth: for if we flee away, they will not care for us; neither if half of us die, will they care for us: but now thou art worth ten thousand of us: therefore now it is better that thou succor us out of the city.

18:4 And the king said unto them, What seemeth you best I will do. And the king stood by the gate side, and all the people came out by hundreds and by thousands.

18:5 And the king commanded Joab and Abishai and Ittai, saying, Deal gently for my sake with the young man, even with Absalom. And all the people heard when the king gave all the captains charge concerning Absalom.

18:6 So the people went out into the field against Israel: and the battle was in the wood of Ephraim;

18:7 Where the people of Israel were slain before the servants of David, and there was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men.

18:8 For the battle was there scattered over the face of all the country: and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.

18:9 And Absalom met the servants of David. And Absalom rode upon a mule, and the mule went under the thick boughs of a great oak, and his head caught hold of the oak, and he was taken up between the heaven and the earth; and the mule that was under him went away.

18:10 And a certain man saw it, and told Joab, and said, Behold, I saw Absalom hanged in an oak.

18:11 And Joab said unto the man that told him, And, behold, thou sawest him, and why didst thou not smite him there to the ground? and I would have given thee ten shekels of silver, and a girdle.

18:12 And the man said unto Joab, Though I should receive a thousand shekels of silver in mine hand, yet would I not put forth mine hand against the king's son: for in our hearing the king charged thee and Abishai and Ittai, saying, Beware that none touch the young man Absalom.

18:13 Otherwise I should have wrought falsehood against mine own life: for there is no matter hid from the king, and thou thyself wouldest have set thyself against me.

18:14 Then said Joab, I may not tarry thus with thee. And he took three darts in his hand, and thrust them through the heart of Absalom, while he was yet alive in the midst of the oak.

18:15 And ten young men that bare Joab's armor compassed about and smote Absalom, and slew him.

18:16 And Joab blew the trumpet, and the people returned from pursuing after Israel: for Joab held back the people.

18:17 And they took Absalom, and cast him into a great pit in the wood, and laid a very great heap of stones upon him: and all Israel fled every one to his tent.

18:18 Now Absalom in his lifetime had taken and reared up for himself a pillar, which is in the king's dale: for he said, I have no son to keep my name in remembrance: and he called the pillar after his own name: and it is called unto this day, Absalom's place.

18:19 Then said Ahimaaz the son of Zadok, Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the LORD hath avenged him of his enemies.

18:20 And Joab said unto him, Thou shalt not bear tidings this day, but thou shalt bear tidings another day: but this day thou shalt bear no tidings, because the king's son is dead.

18:21 Then said Joab to Cushy, Go tell the king what thou hast seen. And Cushy bowed himself unto Joab, and ran.

18:22 Then said Ahimaaz the son of Zadok yet again to Joab, But howsoever, let me, I pray thee, also run after Cushy. And Joab said, Wherefore wilt thou run, my son, seeing that thou hast no tidings ready?

18:23 But howsoever, said he, let me run. And he said unto him, Run. Then Ahimaaz ran by the way of the plain, and overran Cushy.

18:24 And David sat between the two gates: and the watchman went up to the roof over the gate unto the wall, and lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold a man running alone.

18:25 And the watchman cried, and told the king. And the king said, If he be alone, there is tidings in his mouth. And he came apace, and drew near.

18:26 And the watchman saw another man running: and the watchman called unto the porter, and said, Behold another man running alone. And the king said, He also bringeth tidings.

18:27 And the watchman said, Me thinketh the running of the foremost is like the running of Ahimaaz the son of Zadok. And the king said, He is a good man, and cometh with good tidings.

18:28 And Ahimaaz called, and said unto the king, All is well. And he fell down to the earth upon his face before the king, and said, Blessed be the LORD thy God, which hath delivered up the men that lifted up their hand against my lord the king.

18:29 And the king said, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Ahimaaz answered, When Joab sent the king's servant, and me thy servant, I saw a great tumult, but I knew not what it was.

18:30 And the king said unto him, Turn aside, and stand here. And he turned aside, and stood still.

18:31 And, behold, Cushy came; and Cushy said, Tidings, my lord the king: for the LORD hath avenged thee this day of all them that rose up against thee.

18:32 And the king said unto Cushy, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Cushy answered, The enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against thee to do thee hurt, be as that young man is.

18:33 And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!

19:1 And it was told Joab, Behold, the king weepeth and mourneth for Absalom.

19:2 And the victory that day was turned into mourning unto all the people: for the people heard say that day how the king was grieved for his son.

19:3 And the people gat them by stealth that day into the city, as people being ashamed steal away when they flee in battle.

19:4 But the king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!

19:5 And Joab came into the house to the king, and said, Thou hast shamed this day the faces of all thy servants, which this day have saved thy life, and the lives of thy sons and of thy daughters, and the lives of thy wives, and the lives of thy concubines;

19:6 In that thou lovest thine enemies, and hatest thy friends. For thou hast declared this day, that thou regardest neither princes nor servants: for this day I perceive, that if Absalom had lived, and all we had died this day, then it had pleased thee well.

19:7 Now therefore arise, go forth, and speak comfortably unto thy servants: for I swear by the LORD, if thou go not forth, there will not tarry one with thee this night: and that will be worse unto thee than all the evil that befell thee from thy youth until now.

19:8 Then the king arose, and sat in the gate. And they told unto all the people, saying, Behold, the king doth sit in the gate. And all the people came before the king: for Israel had fled every man to his tent.

19:9 And all the people were at strife throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, The king saved us out of the hand of our enemies, and he delivered us out of the hand of the Philistines; and now he is fled out of the land for Absalom.

19:10 And Absalom, whom we anointed over us, is dead in battle. Now therefore why speak ye not a word of bringing the king back?

19:11 And king David sent to Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, saying, Speak unto the elders of Judah, saying, Why are ye the last to bring the king back to his house? seeing the speech of all Israel is come to the king, even to his house.

19:12 Ye are my brethren, ye are my bones and my flesh: wherefore then are ye the last to bring back the king?

19:13 And say ye to Amasa, Art thou not of my bone, and of my flesh? God do so to me, and more also, if thou be not captain of the host before me continually in the room of Joab.

19:14 And he bowed the heart of all the men of Judah, even as the heart of one man; so that they sent this word unto the king, Return thou, and all thy servants.

19:15 So the king returned, and came to Jordan. And Judah came to Gilgal, to go to meet the king, to conduct the king over Jordan.

19:16 And Shimei the son of Gera, a Benjamite, which was of Bahurim, hasted and came down with the men of Judah to meet king David.

19:17 And there were a thousand men of Benjamin with him, and Ziba the servant of the house of Saul, and his fifteen sons and his twenty servants with him; and they went over Jordan before the king.

19:18 And there went over a ferry boat to carry over the king's household, and to do what he thought good. And Shimei the son of Gera fell down before the king, as he was come over Jordan;

19:19 And said unto the king, Let not my lord impute iniquity unto me, neither do thou remember that which thy servant did perversely the day that my lord the king went out of Jerusalem, that the king should take it to his heart.

19:20 For thy servant doth know that I have sinned: therefore, behold, I am come the first this day of all the house of Joseph to go down to meet my lord the king.

19:21 But Abishai the son of Zeruiah answered and said, Shall not Shimei be put to death for this, because he cursed the LORD's anointed?

19:22 And David said, What have I to do with you, ye sons of Zeruiah, that ye should this day be adversaries unto me? shall there any man be put to death this day in Israel? for do not I know that I am this day king over Israel?

19:23 Therefore the king said unto Shimei, Thou shalt not die. And the king sware unto him.

19:24 And Mephibosheth the son of Saul came down to meet the king, and had neither dressed his feet, nor trimmed his beard, nor washed his clothes, from the day the king departed until the day he came again in peace.

19:25 And it came to pass, when he was come to Jerusalem to meet the king, that the king said unto him, Wherefore wentest not thou with me, Mephibosheth?

19:26 And he answered, My lord, O king, my servant deceived me: for thy servant said, I will saddle me an ass, that I may ride thereon, and go to the king; because thy servant is lame.

19:27 And he hath slandered thy servant unto my lord the king; but my lord the king is as an angel of God: do therefore what is good in thine eyes.

19:28 For all of my father's house were but dead men before my lord the king: yet didst thou set thy servant among them that did eat at thine own table. What right therefore have I yet to cry any more unto the king?

19:29 And the king said unto him, Why speakest thou any more of thy matters? I have said, Thou and Ziba divide the land.

19:30 And Mephibosheth said unto the king, Yea, let him take all, forasmuch as my lord the king is come again in peace unto his own house.

19:31 And Barzillai the Gileadite came down from Rogelim, and went over Jordan with the king, to conduct him over Jordan.

19:32 Now Barzillai was a very aged man, even fourscore years old: and he had provided the king of sustenance while he lay at Mahanaim; for he was a very great man.

19:33 And the king said unto Barzillai, Come thou over with me, and I will feed thee with me in Jerusalem.

19:34 And Barzillai said unto the king, How long have I to live, that I should go up with the king unto Jerusalem?

19:35 I am this day fourscore years old: and can I discern between good and evil? can thy servant taste what I eat or what I drink? can I hear any more the voice of singing men and singing women? wherefore then should thy servant be yet a burden unto my lord the king?

19:36 Thy servant will go a little way over Jordan with the king: and why should the king recompense it me with such a reward?

19:37 Let thy servant, I pray thee, turn back again, that I may die in mine own city, and be buried by the grave of my father and of my mother. But behold thy servant Chimham; let him go over with my lord the king; and do to him what shall seem good unto thee.

19:38 And the king answered, Chimham shall go over with me, and I will do to him that which shall seem good unto thee: and whatsoever thou shalt require of me, that will I do for thee.

19:39 And all the people went over Jordan. And when the king was come over, the king kissed Barzillai, and blessed him; and he returned unto his own place.

19:40 Then the king went on to Gilgal, and Chimham went on with him: and all the people of Judah conducted the king, and also half the people of Israel.

19:41 And, behold, all the men of Israel came to the king, and said unto the king, Why have our brethren the men of Judah stolen thee away, and have brought the king, and his household, and all David's men with him, over Jordan?

19:42 And all the men of Judah answered the men of Israel, Because the king is near of kin to us: wherefore then be ye angry for this matter? have we eaten at all of the king's cost? or hath he given us any gift?

19:43 And the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, and said, We have ten parts in the king, and we have also more right in David than ye: why then did ye despise us, that our advice should not be first had in bringing back our king? And the words of the men of Judah were fiercer than the words of the men of Israel.

I'll have to reread and review it later. I'm sleepy now. Night, world.

OMG, Extracting milk

So, I just sat on my ass for an hour, pumping my boobies for Lori, and I'm TIRED!!

Why didn't anyone tell me that producing milk was such hard work?

Whew! :) But she's worth it!

Happy Holy Moose Goddess Day!

Happy Holy Moose Goddess Day!

Green on Thursdays.
Have a happy Thursday!

Have you ever seen such bliss on a baby's face? She's leaning toward him. I don't blame her. He's snuggly warm and ever so sweetness! I think I'm over being angry with him.

Welp, that's that. Time to try to curl up next to him for ....30 or so. :)

Laters!

Post Partum Kickin' His Ass **Updated 1/17/08**

Warning: Explicit Lyrics. Parent discretion is advised.


Okay, what the fuck is more important? Healing through a boss fight in Kharazan or seeing why the hell Lori fucking crying?!

Fuck, Josh! Yes, you just put her down, but caring for her at a midnight feeding is a hell of a lot more than just putting a bottle in her mouth, burping her, and putting her in bed. If she's falling asleep, you've got to fucking make sure she fucking falls asleep! If she starts to cry again, which she's fucking going to do, you've got to get your ass up out of your fucking chair and figure out why. Maybe she's too cold. Maybe she needs more burping. Maybe she's pooped and wants a fresh diaper. Maybe she's just not sleepy anymore and wants more food. It's not fucking okay to just leave her in her crib crying while you fucking heal a goddamn fucking game!

I was asleep! Finally! I only had a few naps today. I cooked your fucking dinner. I was happy to see you home. I gave her to you to cuddle and feed for her 5pm feeding, and then took her and put her down when she fell asleep. I changed her diaper afterwards. Yes, you were at work today, but that's why I asked you, at fucking 11pm, when I was going to lay down, if you didn't fucking mind watching her for a bit.

-sigh- *rub face* Let's see. Just in writing that post, I had to get up like four times. It finally took another ounce of formula and 15 minutes on me to settle her. She was COLD. Was the formula warmed, like we'd discussed?

I'm done ranting. Maybe that's all this was. Me, upset at being woken up from what was finally a restful sleep. I know you're wonderful. This wasn't me yelling cause you're not attentive. It just didn't seem like you cared at the moment. I know her crying was probably getting to you. Yeah, just a spike of emotions.... frustration, fatigue.... Sorry. I think I'm better now. I'm going to get more water, and try to express another ounce or so. Maybe it'll drain me enough to get back to sleep.

Yeah, I think I feel better.

Maybe.

Author's Afterword 1/17/08 6:22am - Yeah. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. And we don't have Star Trek's universal translators yet. Manspeak "I'm in the middle of a bossfight." translates into Womanspeak for "Give me one minute and I'll be right there!" Oh boy. He understood why I was pissed off in that moment. I understood why he didn't get up right away. I do the same thing. We just express it in different ways. Two expressings, a nap, two glasses of water, and a bowl of cereal later and I feel much better.

Now, if only my stitches wouldn't sting so much, I think I'll be in business. According to Kathy, the stinging means they are healing and ready to come out. According to Josh, removing them is annoying.

And now I'm getting nervous about it. I've never had staples in me before. At least, not ones that would holding something closed. Mostly, I get staples in my fingers when I'm using my stapler as a stapler-chuk and fending off the dreaded Archvillian Office Boredom. Will my belly open up and all my insides fall out?! I'm going to assume not, seeing as Ceci still has all of her insides, but the thought crossed my mind!

Additional Remarks 1/17/08 8:42am - Yeah, so she had poopy diapers. Two. In a row. I changed her, she fed for a moment, then pooped. ALOT. I put her back down to finish pooping. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, she starts fussing. Poopy diaper. I'm waiting for my third one. But until then, I think I might try to nap some. I have a doc's appointment today in 2 hours. Crap. Maybe I should get Josh up so I could shower instead.... >.<'

No way!

Lori Speaks

OMG, no way! I'm over a week old already?! Where is the time going?! Auntie Lene, thank you for this picture! I look FABULOUS! I love eating, and sleeping, and being held by Daddy. Giving his beard kissies is fun too! It's nice in the middle of the day, when Mommy turns on the classical music on her Launchcast. Wee!! I can't wait to see more of the world!

-sigh- Love Love Lori

Can you believe that she was less than a day old in this picture? And look at those eyes. Already breaking my heart with her beauty. And she looks so tiny and delicate! What trust in that mere glance. It's heartwarming, uplifting, and downright terrifying all at the same time. Will we ever live up to that immediate, unconditional trust and love I see in her face? I'm so frightened of letting her down. And I suddenly can't dream of life without her.

Here With Me - Mercy Me

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Old Pics (Not all Baby Related)

Okay, I figured out how to get all my pics visible without overloading Blogger. :) Here you go!

Baby Shower:

PK's Bday:

Christmas Party at Work:

Fright Fest Make Up, South Texas Rolleristas:

o/` My Favorite Things o/`

These are a few of my favorite things:

1. Lori Kisses - When Lori gets hungry, she's not really a horribly loud and fussy child. Typically, she grunts, like a little piggy. "Hguhh. Hguhh. Hguhh." In the middle of mealtime, if she's being burped and is still hungry, she keeps grunting, but accompanies it with her Little Kisses. She'll lift her head up, clear off your shoulder, then purse her lips, parting them slightly. Then start butting her face, lips first, against anything in reach. Shoulder, ear, cheek, chin. Against my cheek, it feels like Little Lori Kisses.
   

Moo. There, I said it.

I'm planning to be a full-time career mommy. That is, after my maternity leave is up. But how do I manage that and still feed Lori the way I want?

The answer was simple:

Breast pumping.

I had put it on my gift registry, but at $250 I knew it would be a long-shot for anyone to actually get it for me. I would be on my own.

Not.

Enter Ceci.

Ceci is a godsend. She had already invested in a Medela Breastpump System, but when her milk never came in, she ended up not able to use it.

I am now the proud owner of my sister's hand-me-down Medela Breastpumping System.

I had moments, as Mom can attest to, of frustration at breast feeding. Sweating and cursing and crying and just plain frustration. It felt like I was never going to get it and that Lori would never be as close as I wanted her to be. But I kept at it, cause just like sword-fighting and roller-skating, if failures aren't learnt from and one doesn't push themselves back to their feet, there isn't much point to the doing of it. So, I kept going, fighting back my frustration and complementing Lori on her efforts. I could sense her getting just as frustration as I was getting, and her frustration was coupled with hunger. (Which was a vicious cycle in thinking about it, as I was the source of both her frustration and hunger.)

And then my milk started coming in, and I thought Lori would drown from it. It was leaking everywhere! I would walk, and there would go a drop. I would sit, another drop. I would lay down, another drop. I would smile... you get the idea. I was a milk-covered mess by late afternoon. My nipples seemed never to get the right length though. They always seemed too flat and unresponsive to me, and Lori's futile attempts to latch on were only reinforcing that notion. But another day of working at it, and we've got a rhythm and a system for each breast.

TMI ALERT!
Faint of heart or my brother?
Read no further!
TMI ALERT!

See, my breasts aren't exactly what you would call... symmetrical. The left one is a full cup size smaller than the right one. It's a fact that has always been mildly annoying come bra and shirt fitting time, but something I never really worried about. With breastfeeding, it had suddenly become a major issue. The size difference meant that what I was trying to do with the left breast wasn't working for the right breast. Learning to breast feed is hard enough, from what I've heard, but that I have to employ two completely different feeding techniques and positions from one breast to the other is flat out retarded. But, it's what I was given to work with, so I guess I just have to make the most of it. Which I have!

Lefty feeding is somewhat detached. I can sit up straight in a chair and watch TV. She's just light enough to hold with some support for my arm, that it's easy. Just hold myself so as not to smother and we're in business. We can even look each other in the eyes and chit chat.

Righty feeding requires two pillows and a flat place to sit with plenty of space. It's almost indian-style, though my legs are more open. One pillow behind my back, the other on my lap. Lori goes on the pillow and the right arm supports her in a reclined position and guides her to me. The left holds my entire boob up and out of the way so all she has to work with is nipple. I'm semi-hunched over Lori, and while she can't make eye-contact with me, I'm much closer to her, since I'm cradled over her like a mother-bird. I've dozed off like that a few times already. Smelling her sweet scent, feeling her draw on me, and hearing her breathing.

All in all, I think we've got this breastfeeding thing down. At least for now. I wonder how it'll change as she gets heavier and it's time for public feedings...

Recovery, Bedrest, Family * *UPDATED 1/16**

I was wheeled into recovery, and laid there to rest a moment until a hospital suite could be given to me for my overnight stay. As I lay there, the exhilaration begins to wear off and I'm lonely. There's no Lori in my tummy. There's no Josh at my side. And where the hell am I anyway? Panic begins to set in, and the tears begin. "Where's Josh? Where's Josh? Where's Josh? I want Josh. Josh? Josh?" When there's no answer, I really start to panic. But why should I panic? This is a hospital, right? They can't keep him from me. Besides, he's with Lori right now, and making sure she's okay. It wouldn't matter what happened to me, as long as she's okay. If no one ever came to get me, and I just slipped away into sleep and never woke up, it'd be okay because Josh was with Lori and that's all that mattered.

Just as I was settling into a resigned calm, I hear Josh calling me. And just like that, he's at my side, smiling at me. My first question, "How is she?" Not, "Am I okay?" Not, "OMG! What did they do to me?" No. My first thought was, "How is She?"

"She's beautiful, Clau. Oh my god, she's so beautiful. And big! And pink! You were wonderful," he replied, petting back my hair. "Her eyes at black, jet black, and huge. Oh, Clau, I broke down. She's just so beautiful."

And that's all that's really clear. Almost every one stopped by to visit at some point, and we've loads of pictures from the hospital going on in the slide show below.

So, that's that. We're home and everything is good.

Author's Comment, 1/16/07 00:49CDT - I called Ceci and she commented that the slide show was a little too fast to really see the pictures clearly. Here's my first attempt to slow it down. Photobucket doesn't really have a way to change the timers on their slideshows, so this was the best I could do. Sorry if it's still too fast!

The Details - Labor, Surgery, and Life

Edit: 1/14/08 2226 - More to the story.
Edit: 1/15/08 0539 - More to the story.
Alright, so I'm home. I guess you could already tell that. But here's the low-down on everything that's happened so far.

Tuesday, Jan 8 - 5am : Josh and I wake, partially moved into his mother's house. The alarm hasn't gone off yet, but I'm anxious. Today's the day I get to see my baby face to face. Today, I get to hold her in my arms. Today, I become a Mommy. I poked Josh awake, saying, "If you want to shower, now's a good time. Don't rush. It's still very early." He rolled over and just smiled at me, then snuggled closer and held me in his arms until the alarm rang a half hour later. That's when he got up, and moved to the bathroom. On his way, he put a gentle hand on my forehead and said, "I'll be right back, sweetheart. You get some more rest. You and Lori have a big day today." I couldn't help but smile, nodding in reply. Such gentle motions from so big and powerful a man leave me breathless and without words. I listened to him get into the shower, laying on my side, and tried to ready myself. Anxiety came to me. Unpleasant sensation. Laying in bed, suddenly afraid of the unknown. But no sooner had I started to feel that, than I sensed another presence. Someone else was in the room with me. The sense of Him was warm, comforting. He was a soldier, sent for one purpose alone: to stand guard on me and protect me from Fear, Worry, Doubt, and Pain. It felt as if He curled up behind me, as Josh had done the night before. There was no heartbeat. Instead, I felt the warmth of a perfect Summer's Day, when the wind is light and cool and the sunlight is gentle and warm. Relaxation flowed through me very bones. In my mind's eye, I could see this Faceless One, a being made of gentle sunlight, perfect white cloud, and the softest of down feather, as he took off his breastplate. It was silver-white armor, metal but lighter than air, thin as silk but stronger than steel. Attached were his wings; white dove-feather radiating with a warm glow, like a night-light. He draped it on me, and it seemed to settle on my shoulders, around my ribs, and against my back. Just like His arms had felt to be wrapped; just like Josh's arms were wrapped the night before. I smiled, relaxed, and nestled down to a light sleep until Josh's touch on my shoulder woke me. I felt refreshed and renewed, ready for the day. Excitement and Joy were once again mine.

We dressed, finished the packing, and stepped outside of the rooms we have and into the main part of the house, where I got the glimpse of a clock. 6am. All of that, and only an hour had past. "It's a bit early, Josh. My appointment isn't until seven," I said, eyeing the clock. There was the faintest of blushes, seen on his face only as a grin that could be called sheepish. "Well, we'll just sit down and wait a little bit," he said in an awkward tone, while he shifted his weight from his right to his left foot. He's anxious now too. "We could leave now, get there early, and start the check in, if you want," I offered, trying to hide the smile as his eyes lit up. "Yeah, let's go," he replied and moved for the door instantly. "Should we wake your mother and let her know we're heading out now," I asked as he worked at the doorknob. He didn't answer right away as he shuffled with the door. An annoyed little 'hmph' escaped him as he turned from the door and said, "Looks like we'll have to. The door is locked and I don't have the key." On cue, out walks his mom, somewhat bleary-eyed, asking, "Key to what? You're not leaving until we pray." Perhaps Josh was trying to avoid this. His faith is something personal. His mother's way is too forward at times. But we sat, listened to her prayers over us. I said my own, thanking the divine for the angel's armor, thanking for the strength I'll need and the calmness I feel. Josh prayed too, in his own way. His eyes closed, his hand tightened on mine, and his breath stilled for a few heartbeats while he sent his wishes and thoughts Above. Half past six, and we head out toward the hospital. I make a few calls to family letting them know that we're on our way, and to call Josh's number, or mine as he'll have it with him, for progress checks through out the day. Arlene called right as we were arriving to the hospital; I had barely gotten out of the car.

We walk in, register, give the clerk all my medical orders, and then sit and wait. And wait. And wait. Kathy, Josh's mom, joins us before going into work. The clerks change their shift. Lights come on, and phones start to ring. Kathy leaves, and still we wait. I feel my first mild contraction. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother, I know we're waiting on a room, but if you could let them know that I think I'm having some mild contractions right now, I'd really appreciate it," I state to the clerk that's trying desperately to secure me a labor and delivery room. Twenty minutes later, and she gets me into triage. Any bed is better than now bed, and there they can at least begin the monitoring and blood work (though they refused to infuse me with the induction chemical, not wanting me to go into full labor and have my baby in the ER).

In we go, and I get into the little gown and socks, pee in the cup, and get into bed. Fetal monitor gets hooked up, and they're just about to open the blood work baggie when a delivery nurse arrives with a wheelchair. "I'm ready for Ms. Carranza now," she said, and with some doing I'm transfered to a wonderful, dimly lit, comfortably large delivery suite. My mom and Josh's Aunt Linda arrive and we begin the next phase of waiting. I glance at the clock. It's 9am.

Edit: 1/14/08 2226 - More to the story.

The doctor visits me. I'm having contractions and am 2cm dilated already. Time for the booster, aka the labor inducing drug: oxytocin. They shoot me up at 10am, and for two hours everything is okay. The contractions are mild, and I'm pretty much talking through them, laughing with Aunts Debbie & Linda and Mom, and not really doing much of anything. Josh takes a break and Arlene joins us for her lunch break.

Edit: 1/15/08 0539 - More to the story.

Arlene, this baby is all your fault. Not five minutes after her arrival, and one Arlene-joke later, and the first active labor pain hits me. Labor. It's not as bad as everyone made it out to be. I kept getting horror stories, that labor was the single most painful thing ever. In actuality, while I've never truely felt anything quite quite like labor pains, I've had menstrual cramps that hurt worse than labor pains. (When cramps land you in the ER getting pumped with pain meds, you know they're bad.) I don't think... no, I know, for a fact, that I simply could not have handled the pain the way I did without Josh's constant support.

First time mom, here. And wasn't ever able to find and enroll in a Lamaze class, so I was pretty much clueless. Thank God for my delivery nurse. A three-time mom herself, Gina was awesome at describing what I'm going to feel and how best I could handle it. I started off by asking Josh to talk to me. Now, I know that sounds a bit bizarre, but when he uses a certain type of voice, soft and deep and slow, all my tension just melts away. That was the voice I was asking for. I didn't much care what he was saying as long as it was in that Voice. And the things he was telling me were making Aunt Linda laugh. Stories about his grandfather, and fishing in Louisiana. Apparently, there was this alligator that stole one of Granpa Grant's fishing lures. Okay, not one of, but his favorite lure. It had gotten stuck around the gator's tail, and Granpa had to cut it loose. Several month later, Granpa's out fishing on that same strip of lake, when he sees his fishing lure, sitting out on the water, in plain sight. Delighted, Granpa moves his boat over and reaches out to scoop up his lure. No sooner had he closed his hand around the lure, than the line still attached to the lure goes taunt, and the very same gator Granpa had cut loose months before, comes snapping out at him from the water. Granpa had gotten hooked by a gator! The very gator he'd hooked himself! And using his own lure against him. See, the gator, having gotten the lure stuck to his tail, noticed that he'd caught a fish with it. When he ate the fish off the lure, lo and behold, another fish came. And another, and so on. Granpa had given this gator the tool he needed to fish for himself. I guess that old adage about giving a man a fish over teaching a man to fish can be applied to gators too.

By 1pm, I'm in full active labor, and people other than Josh are really starting to distract me from staying calm and not tensing up at each contraction. Everyone had cleared the room but him, for a lunch break, and when my mother came back in, I heard her talking. Tension flooded into me, and it was the most painful contraction I had felt. I couldn't focus on Josh's voice with her voice there. I started chanting at her, "Bye, Mom. Bye. Bye. Bye, Mom. Bye. Bye. Bye!" Gina got the message, and I heard her very calmly take my mother by the hand and lead her toward the door. "I'm sorry," I heard her say as Josh was reclaiming my focus, "Sounds like she doesn't want any more visitors right now." I was loosing control. That one break and I was whimpering, "I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I can't breathe. I can't. I can't. Make it stop, just for a moment. Just so I can think. Just so I can catch my breath. I need ten minutes. Ten minutes to rest, and think. Please? Please?" Josh's voice sounded worried, "Do you want an epidural?" Epidural? Morphine? A smack to the back of the head. "Anything to let me catch my breath, to let me think a moment. Anything. I don't care," I remember replying. I'm glad now that I had signed the consent for an epidural. I heard Gina acknowledge, and call for the epidural. "He'll be here very soon, Claudia," she said, "In the meantime, try to stay focused on your breathing, like we'd talked about. Each pain opening your hips up to make room for Baby."
Open. That's what I had to focus on. And so I asked Josh to help me focus. Each in take of breath, "Breath." A slow, relaxed, inhale through my nose. An unhurried filling of my lungs. "Open," came with each slow exhale through my lips, as if I were holding a mesoforte note on my oboe. An unhurried opening of my mind, heart, and body in joyful and unrushed anticipation of my child. At each Open, I was picturing a ring, the ring of my hips, stretching open into infinity.

That visualization lasted until Kathy came in, and I happened to open my eyes and see her there. I wouldn't have looked, except I hear a change in Josh's voice. It was tighter, not as open, more reserved and distant. It was the sound of Josh hiding his emotions and warmth from the world. Someone else was in the room, someone he didn't want to see that side of himself. It disturbed me. I was losing control of the pain again, and another contraction was on its way. I started shaking and crying, "Go away. Kathy, get out. I love you, but go away. I can't. Go away! Go away!" The nurse, I think, had stepped out, cause Kathy had walked to my bedside and was trying to calm me down, but I couldn't hear Josh. I couldn't feel him any more; he'd withdrawn emotionally. Gina returned at that point, and escorted Kathy out. No sooner had she left, than the sense of Josh returned full force and the urge to push came intensely. I let him know, and struggled to regain my visualization. It was hard. The forever opening ring wasn't powerful enough. I was losing myself, and starting to cry out. Behind my closed eyelids, in the low warm yellow-glow of the dimly lit room, the next contraction brought a soft white light. White, like the protective angel that visited me that morning, like the wings he'd given me to shelter me. At the memory, I could see the breastplate on me; the wings fluttering behind me like a silken mantle. "Open," Josh's voice said, and I felt the wings open; A bird taking to wing.

That was the image I needed. The pain was gone, replaced with a calm like no other. Each cycle of what had been pain came now as a gentle white light in my eyes. I was flying through the Clouds of Heaven on borrowed wings, soaring ever upwards without fear or tension. All there was was Josh's gentle voice, my Wind.

From 2:00pm, when I called for the epidural, 5cm into my dilation, and after Dr. Montalvo had broken my water to help draw Lori down, I lasted three and a half more hours until 5:30pm when Steve, the anesthesiologist, came in to finally give me my epidural. I was no longer in pain, as I had been, but no the urge to push was so intense that I was having trouble staying aloft in my white clouds. (Josh's chant had gone from "Breathe. Open. Good girl." to "Breathe. Open. Don't push. Good girl.") I was getting tired. Josh was getting tired. Lori was still fine. (Thank God!)

I was sat up, and hunched over, Steve having given me to obligatory risk speech. I don't really remember what he said the risks were. At the moment, I frankly didn't care. I wanted some measure of control back, control that I was losing with each contraction. He told me what he was doing, what I'd feel. Washing my back. Taping something. A pinch. Cold. "How do you feel," he asked me after a moment. "I don't know," I said. He stayed with me as Josh helped me lay back. It was like being lain down on a cloud. I sighed as the tension left me, and the urge to push, that was so insistent, faded to a dull inconvenience I could almost forget. "How do you feel, Ms. Carranza? Any better," Steve asked again. "Ah, yes," I finally got out, opening my eyes for the first time in hours. "Thank you, Steve. Now, go. I waited for you. I don't want to be the reason another is waiting longer than she can take. Thank you, very much. I'm myself again. Thank you." He did a few other things, I'm not sure what, smiling. I heard Gina murmur something about thoughtful, while Josh was getting my attention.

"Do you feel better," he asked? He looked as tired as I felt. Tense were I was limp. I nodded, smiling. "Yes, yes I feel better," I replied as the doctor came in to check on me. She was happy to see how far I'd progressed and how much calmer I was with the epidural, but she was worried. The baby, low as she may have been, was not engaging into my pelvis. Lori was stuck in my ribcage. The doctor said, "We're going to have to a c-section to get her out. She's just too big to get down the way she needs to be. Are you okay with that?" "Yes, Doctor. Whatever needs to be done to have her safe and healthy," I replied. I was no longer afraid.

"There's a wait on the OR, Doctor," I heard Steve remark. "There are four other deliveries needing c-section ahead of Ms. Carranza." The doctor frowned, complained, then turned to me. "Can you wait for maybe an hour then? We can see if Baby engages by then. If she does, you'll have it natural. If she does not, then we'll go into surgery, okay?" "Okay, Doctor. I'm better now, in control, so I can wait as long as you need me to. Make sure the other babies are safe. Lori and I are okay right now," I replied. As the medical staff moved out to get things ready, Josh again turned to me, "Will you be okay here, if I go? I need a break." "Yes, yes of course! Go. Thank you for staying with me," I replied, pushing Josh's hand away finally. "But will you send the Moms in? I think I was really rude and I need to apologize." Josh just smiled and kissed my forehead. "They won't think any less of you for it, darling. You were in labor. I'm sure they remember, and from what I hear, my mother was psychotic during labor. You were the perfect of Calm," he replied before heading out.

Kathy and Mom came in a few minutes later, and I apologized profusely. "I'm so sorry if I was rude. I hope you aren't mad or offended. I just couldn't focus with anyone but Josh in the room, and I really needed to focus," I said. Kathy smiled and reassured me, "It's okay, darlin'. You were wonderful!" My mother quipped with a proud smile, "I'm so offended!" I laughed and leaned back on my pillows with a contented sigh. "Still. I'm sorry that I was rude. I could have asked nicely for you both to go," I said weakly. Even I didn't believe that anyone could have politely asked to be left alone while in the middle of active labor. They stayed for a bit, until they saw that I really wasn't talking much. I was half dozing off. So, they stepped away and let Camilo in to see me. Oh, yes. I was told he was here and wanting to see me, but I was having the epidural at the time. Camilo came in, and we started chatting. I was filling him in, when the nurse came by and said, "The OR is ready. C-section in 10mins." I gasped, "Can you get Josh?"
I was wheeled into surgery, prepped, and in came Josh. They had to use two gowns to get around him, and the booties didn't seem to fit. As they were cutting into me, his eyes went wide, and for the first time, I saw fear. I squeezed his hand and tried to assure him that I wasn't feeling anything, but nothing came out of my mouth. My brain was a bit in a fog. I'm not clear on this part so much, until I heard her cry.

"Wuh. Wuh. Wuh. Wuh. Wuh." It was a rhythmic, grunting, sort of cry. They hurried to clean her, and brought her to me. Fat little face, red and upset. But she smelled (cliche I know) so sweet! Josh and the nurses took her away so I could be finished up, and I laid there, eyed closed thinking to myself, "I'm a mommy."

Home, Happy, Healthy

Just a quick note.

We're home. All three of us.

We're healthy. All three of us.

Wow.

I have so many pictures and stories to tell! But first, benefits paperwork to make sure I get paid right and Lori is taken care of.

More soon!

Promise! :)

I am a complication...

Okay, here's what I have... had... yeah... that got me admitted to the ER yesterday afternooon:

A particular condition of pregnancy--a complication--is now called Gestational Hypertension (previously, pregnancy-induced hypertension (PIH), pre-eclampsia, and toxemia) which is quite different from the "chronic" hypertension discussed. Although the exact cause of it is unknown, it seems to be an immunologic rejection of the pregnancy, the baby seen as a hostile tissue-graft reaction. This is a much more dangerous condition than chronic hypertension, because there is much more alteration in the maternal body than just high blood pressure. There's a whole chemical shift of maladaptative reactions that can even lead to seizures and death in the pregnant patient.

Brain swelling is the cause of seizures, lethargy, and visual disturbances. (The visual disturbances are not to be confused with the swelling of your cornea which results in blurred vision, which reverses after birth and is harmless.) The expectant mother's kidneys are especially vulnerable, affecting filtration, worsening the swelling and resulting in the loss of protein in the urine. The blood vessels develop abnormalities of constriction, affecting blood pressure, and the reflexes become hyperactive

The blood pressure changes are only part of the "classical tetrad" of signs. These four noteworthy signs and symptoms are:

• High blood pressure,
• Edema (swelling, more suggestive of gestational hypertension if it is central of the face rather than peripheral of the ankles--peripheral swelling is normal),
• Hyperproteinurea, or spilling protein in the urine, and
• Hyper-reflexia, or exaggerated deep tendon reflexes (the knee-jerk, for instance).

While chronic hypertension, on the one hand and even in pregnancy, is a slow-growing problem that allows plenty of time for managementgeek that seldom interferes with bringing a pregnancy to term, gestational hypertension can progress swiftly to prompt delivery prematurely.

Management of gestational hypertension

If a patient has only mild disease, this can be followed conservatively, but there are those who will argue that there is no such thing as "mild" gestational hypertension and advise delivery as soon as the baby is deemed lung-mature. Bed rest, a low salt diet, and peace and quiet are the treatment before delivery, and this regimen hasn't changed in over a hundred years. Of course close observation with frequent blood pressures, serial 24-hour urine collections, and liver and coagulation studies go with this conservative treatment. That's how we watch the mother. We do non-stress tests and biophysical profiles to watch the baby. As soon as the patient's cervix is inducible near term, induction for delivery is recommended.

Bed rest, check.
Low-sodium, check.
Delivery asap, not so check.

I'm already beginning to dilate. I'm glad I'm still feeling her kicking me.

It can get worse

There are some particularly sinister forms of gestational hypertension. Thrombocytopenia (low platelet count) can appear as a sole problem. Since platelets are part of the blood-clotting system, hemorrhage and strokes can occur if the platelet count gets low enough. HELLP syndrome (low platelets associated with liver disease) is an obstetrical emergency and requires prompt delivery.

My platelet count was fine.

The protein count was fine (as deemed so by both my attending doctor and a conference room full of maternity nurses that my mother in law happened to be meeting with right at the time I had gotten all my tests results back and Josh called her to give an update).

So, they let me leave, ordering me to bed (which is where I wanted to be in the first place), and told me to go in in the morning for check up. Only, Moron Staff didn't have me down for appointment. >.<'

And AGAIN I'm not on the appointment books. I'm getting so fucking frustrated with the staff at this office. If they give me issue about insurance payment on my labs again, I swear....

God damn it. Now they are refusing to see me for the ER follow up.


And they are wondering why I have hyper tension?

FUCK!