OMG OMGOMG

It's 2am. I just screamed myself awake from, what I think, has to be the wost nightmare I have ever had.

I was traveling through Austin, or Dallas, or another big city with those spagetti noodle interchanges. I was in one car. Lori was in another. She collided head on with another car. I got out. I ran over. She was broken. everything in the wrong place, like some weird 3d picaso painting of my baby. I was calling 911, but no one was answering. She woke up, started crying. I reached out to still her, knowing she needed to be still so she wouldn't hurt herself more, but she kept moving. I couldn't get her to be still. No one was answering my call. It just kept ringing. Her eyes openned. she couldn't look at me. she gasped a few times. she stopped moving.

right before that dream,i had another where she fell out of her crib.


why am i having such horrible nightmares? I've checked on her like ten times already, fighting to listening, to check that she's still breathing and that she's still warmth and that everything is okay and that i was just having a really bad dream. and then i walk away and my mind recalls how she looked. how.. broken.

and i'm so scared. because i have dejavu. i will have a dream, and several months later. i will live it. i don't want to live these dreams. oh god. i don't want to even recall them right now, but i'm afraid that if i don't then i won't remember that i have to be in the car with her when we're in a big.. city... omg. she was driving. i wasn't in the car. I was floating, outside of it. omg, my broken baby. she wasn't a baby. my mind can only see her as a baby, but my heart knows better. omg, she's going to die in a head on collision in some big city on a freeway underneath where other lanes of traffic curve away over head. and i'm not going to be there. not really. omg.

i can't breathe anymore.

LOR BLOG: These are a few of my favorite things

No pictures this time. Mommy's bad and lost the cable to her camera, so she can't take any new pics of me. I'm SO SAD!!

Gramma Tere made me a new sweater and beanie. It's PURPLE!!! If only it were COLDER!

My new favorite food: Mac and Cheese... just like momma! YUM!

OMG! Hippy, you crack me up!

OMG! Fucking hilarious!


You're so badass!