It's 2am. I just screamed myself awake from, what I think, has to be the wost nightmare I have ever had.
I was traveling through Austin, or Dallas, or another big city with those spagetti noodle interchanges. I was in one car. Lori was in another. She collided head on with another car. I got out. I ran over. She was broken. everything in the wrong place, like some weird 3d picaso painting of my baby. I was calling 911, but no one was answering. She woke up, started crying. I reached out to still her, knowing she needed to be still so she wouldn't hurt herself more, but she kept moving. I couldn't get her to be still. No one was answering my call. It just kept ringing. Her eyes openned. she couldn't look at me. she gasped a few times. she stopped moving.
right before that dream,i had another where she fell out of her crib.
why am i having such horrible nightmares? I've checked on her like ten times already, fighting to listening, to check that she's still breathing and that she's still warmth and that everything is okay and that i was just having a really bad dream. and then i walk away and my mind recalls how she looked. how.. broken.
and i'm so scared. because i have dejavu. i will have a dream, and several months later. i will live it. i don't want to live these dreams. oh god. i don't want to even recall them right now, but i'm afraid that if i don't then i won't remember that i have to be in the car with her when we're in a big.. city... omg. she was driving. i wasn't in the car. I was floating, outside of it. omg, my broken baby. she wasn't a baby. my mind can only see her as a baby, but my heart knows better. omg, she's going to die in a head on collision in some big city on a freeway underneath where other lanes of traffic curve away over head. and i'm not going to be there. not really. omg.
i can't breathe anymore.
1 comment:
Oh Clauie.... HUG.
Don't turn yourself into a neurotic mess over this though. I had a dream that came true in college (that Steve from Def Leppard died and then he did) and then right after, I dreamed that Camilo got killed in Desert Storm. And then had to wait for 2 weeks to get word from him to find out he was alive because this was before so many of the soldiers had laptops to check MySpace before lights out. But he was fine!
And he still is. I was just very stressed out during college and had a lot of bad dreams. Some of them were going to be about loved ones and maybe some of them came true now and then, but there's no sense mourning when nothing has happened but an awful, awful dream.
When you have an awful nightmare it means YOU are goign through something and YOU need to take care of yourself. Lori is fine and she needs you to be happy and confident and hopeful, not crazy thinking she's going to be mangled any day now. Try doing something relaxing before bed, try talking through things that are worrying you at work or at home, that kind of thing. And don't eat pizza right before bed. :P (Medicines, too... check new medicines. Those will do it sometimes.)
When Lori gets old enough to drive, teach her responsible habits and let her go! Just for God's sake, don't forbid her from ever getting behind the wheel or from ever entering the city limits of a real city. You know, where the spaghetti interchanges are but also where the great museums are, and the great orchestras and theaters, and her UIL competitions and all the things she will want to do even more if you tell her she can't because you're afraid she'll die in a car accident. And she might! But not because you dreamed it.
I'm sorry you had to dream that... that's so awful. I would be sobbing. HUG.
I love you!
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