Josh and Kathy, both, are noticing I'm in a funk.
Post-partum.
Sometimes, I don't feel like she's really mine.
I insist on breastfeeding, even when it's clear she's just not getting satisfied by it. It feels like it's the only connection I really have with her. But then, sometimes, I feel like she's a leech and I've got no choice but to sit and be fed from.
And then they're stating I'm doing passive aggressive things. I'm not sure what those are.
But I know that I feel like she's not really mine. I see the devotion and love in her eyes when she looks at Josh or Kathy, but I don't see it when she looks at me.
And I've no problems with others holding her and taking her from my arms. Is that a warning sign I should have picked up on weeks ago?
-concerned-
PS: I ended up with the shakes today. So cold, and running a fever. Was given some Tylenol and curled up in a ball.
4 comments:
I've never had a baby (I know stating the obvious) but the way I describe you is "a natural". You seem like you are just falling into the motherly role with no problems. You don't worry about breaking your baby, you know she's going to be fine. You let her nurse when she wants and don't force her when she doesn't want to. All I've seen from you is "experience"...in a way. My sister didn't have this "naturalness" she was nervous and jumpy and she looked uncomfortable the first few weeks. It took her time to fall into the mommy role. You seem to have taken to it like a duck to water. I'm not trying to make you feel better or say it's not post pardom. That could totally be why you seem so natural. Because you're not freaked out like a new mom. But I think it makes you stronger. You may not feel her adoration when she looks at you but no matter how you feel, I can see it when you look at her. You are proud of her! You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to feel that you should be glued to your baby 24-7 to be a good mom. Breaks every once in awhile are good! Of course I see you much less often than Josh and his mom, so what do I know? I know that I'm proud of you and I think you're doing an amazing job! I love you. Talk to you soon!!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
o/` PK loves me, this I know,
for my blogging tells me so. o/`
LOL Thanks Lene! Ceci said it was normal too. Doesn't make it any easy to deal with in the moment, but makes the next one easier, cause I know it's coming, and it's just the hormonies. I'll make it through. I'll see her adoration, someday.
Now, if only I could settle on a design for her dress!
What the hell size should I make it?! I can't exactly make it to fit now. She'll be way too big for it by April! Maybe, if I take some time to measure her every day for a week, track how she grows, then... guesstimate?
-whimper-
Make a dress that doesn't have a "size". You know something with an empire waist that's loose and flowy. It can be super long even because she can't walk. And the back can be corset tie up type thing...with a modesty panel of course! You can even do something cute like a sundress type of thing that way even the shoulders can be adjustable. Alot of little girl dresses don't even have waists..they just drop from the shoulders...super cute! I hope that made sense because it does in my head. I also don't know how to sew so what do I know (totally rhymed by accident...love it when that happens). There's always going around and looking at example dresses at the fancy boutiques to get you inspired! I wouldn't count on an averaged guestimation too much...babies grow fast and they grow wierd!
that they do. and it made sense. i've got a pattern in my head, unfortunately, so i'll have to rethink. murrrrrrr
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